Seems Like It is Perfect

If I have pen and paper, I will tend to start writing. It doesn’t have to be a current writing project, as most of the time I don’t remember where I was. Instead, it ends up being a random start or scene. The piece of paper then finds itself placed somewhere in the stacks of paper that make up my living space. I will come across it months, years, decades later and have no idea where or when I wrote it. I probably could make volumes of books out of these random pieces. Something to think about, maybe.

Some of these pieces I do manage to do something with them. They become a short story or a novel or used in a novel I’m working on. But sometimes, I don’t do anything with because it feels like it is perfect and to do anything with it would destroy it. Mentally, I can’t do anything with it because I’m too worried I will wreck it. The piece needs more work or the rest of the story. It is not finished. But if I touch it, it will no longer be “prefect”. Working to through that mental hurdle is difficult.

Dragons, Dragons, Dragons

I love dragons. I really love stories about dragons. Back when I was in the Writing and Publishing program at Okanagan College, one of the projects was to put together a chapbook of submissions on one topic. Mine was called Dragons in Winter and I got four submissions. I loved the process so much that I’ve been putting them out ever since. So far, there are Dragons in Winter, Dragons in Spring, and Dragons in Lockdown. This year’s is Dragons in Autumn and it came out last month.

I greatly appreciate my regular contributors. Without Alexandra A. Cheshire, Jennie Evans, Rosalyn Marie Francis, and Tracey Bentley, these collections would not be possible I thank them for the opportunity to put these stories out into the world.

The next Dragons book is going to be Dragons in Summer and the deadline for submissions April 2, 2024. More dragons!

It would be Nice

Today I saw An Awkward Yeti comic by Nick Seluk where Heart is asking the reader to check the creator’s page and Brain keeps checking in to see if the reader is doing as asked. The last panel is Heart getting upset because he doesn’t want to sell things. After the last couple weeks of having a book out there, I feel that statement deep within my soul. I don’t like trying to market my books. I can’t afford to pay for marketing.

I would rather be left alone to write. Years ago I wanted to be an author and couldn’t want to see my book on shelves of libraries and bookshops. It still gives a good feeling when it happens. But, right now, I would like to be a writer again. I feel like I’m not getting any writing done and there are too many others things demanding my attention. Social media is supposed to be helpful with marketing, but I find it more of a time suck. But there are plenty of days where I would like to give up technology altogether.

I Got There

Finally, I got the formatting done for the book. Everything for the book being ready, I have released it. It is titled Fear in the Water. Mona is a guardian of a lake with a monster that feeds on negative emotions and people. I am hoping people read it and enjoy the story.

Here is the Amazon.ca link: https://www.amazon.ca/Fear-Water-B-Heather-Mantler/dp/1927507634/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2T2ZFORNGNS2L&keywords=b.+heather+mantler&qid=1689890218&sprefix=b+heather+mantler%2Caps%2C187&sr=8-1

Here is the Good Reads link: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/188552787-fear-in-the-water

I’m Getting There

I had the idea to put out a story I wrote a few years ago into book form. This sounded like a good idea back in December. Two weeks ago, I, finally, got around to working on it. The story needed some editing and I did that. I don’t like editing and I’m not good at it but I can’t afford to get anyone else to do it for me. Now, I’m on day three of procrastinating doing the formatting of the book. I did manage to get the cover done, the Goodreads page, and get an ISBN, which are all necessary.

So, I’m getting there. I have another book project I need get to and people keep asking me about. It is an anthology of dragon stories and all of the submissions were due back in April. It is now in my hands to put it out. I keep telling those asking that I will read through the submissions in the next week. Next week happened last week, but it has not gotten any farther. Hopefully next week. After I finish procrastinating formatting.

Experience

I don’t learn well from experience. I know this, but it doesn’t register in my brain. I know I shouldn’t eat certain things, but I will forget. I know buying things won’t make me happy, but, again, I try and try in case in works this time. Pain, something most people use as a way to avoid doing things again, doesn’t seem to work as once it is passed my brain doesn’t keep it as a warning. I know that if I eat certain things I end up in a lot of pain and in uncomfortable situations. In that moment of eating, none of that matters. Later when I am in pain, I question why this is happening to me and why me. I know it is my fault.

I’m still trying to figure out how to, either, use it to my advantage or change it. This is hard to do. I read plenty of books on changing brains and behaviours. I even remember various facts from them. I understand the need to heal the past, focus on things in the present, and have goals for the future. But there is a large chasm being knowing all these things and doing these things. I keep reading anyway and hoping something will cause the click in my brain.

Sugar

I’m not here to vilify sugar. But I also have to admit that sugar can cause many issues. I use sugar as a way to create energy when I don’t have any. Pop is my go-to choice as the mixture of sugar and caffeine helped me for a while. Unfortunately, I have reached the point where it takes more and more to get the same effect. People who try to give advice on cutting sugar suggest to go cold turkey. I don’t understand that sugar hits the same neurotransmitter that cocaine does and thus has the same addictive qualities, but it is so much easier to get sugar because it is available in every store and is advertised everywhere. Foods connected to sugar have also been scientifically engineered to be addictive to bring in more money for the companies.

I consider myself a sugar addict and I know I’m not going to cut it from my life. My Mom tells me her doctor told her to cut out the sugar from her diet while she was pregnant with me and when she did I came early. Skipping the caffeine addiction would probably be best. Both make the depression worse as well as several other medical issues I am struggling with. Doesn’t mean I need to stop, but it does mean I need to limit the amount I eat.

Book Buying

I haven’t writing, but I also haven’t been reading much either. What I have been doing is buying books. I don’t have much money, but I buy them anyway. Some of them new, but most from a used bookshop nearby called Ted’s Paperbacks. They have a great selection, well organized, and friendly staff. It is a great dopamine hit and my depressed brain likes those hits.

It also “helps” my brain feel like it is accomplishing something. I am getting more books in the series, or getting ones I was thinking about buying, or ones that look good to read. Putting books on my to-read pile actually feels like an accomplishment, even though it is just adding to my to-do list. I have lists of book series and marking things off feels like getting something done. Organizing books works too to a certain extent, but I don’t necessary get to that part of things.

Another part of book buying is buying books for others. If I know a person is interested in having a book, I will go looking for it. This not only gives me the hit of dopamine but also serotonin, which is another neurotransmitter my brain likes. If only bookshelves were as cheap as the books themselves.

Fatigue

These last few years have been difficult for me. Even before the lockdown, I was dealing with depression and with that comes tiredness. I also have some other medical issues (genetic made worse by bad life-style choices) and these also have tiredness as a symptom. When I have so much muscle fatigue it is hard to move, I don’t do much. Mental tiredness means I don’t do much. Writing becomes difficult and I don’t get any done for days, or even weeks. It becomes hard to do much more than rewatch shows I have enjoyed before. If I don’t have something to listen to my brain ruminates. It becomes obsessive about things. This is a draining habit and does nothing to help the fatigue.

Sometimes I remember the best thing I can do for the thinking ,that is paralyzing, is to do something. Having a to-do list as long as my arm is tiring, but doing something as small as picking up an object off the floor and putting it away can make a big difference. Sometimes I feel like I should have a tattoo that says don’t think write as a reminder to myself. I’m hoping I can use those words and listen to my body about when it need to rest.

Paused and restarted

I haven’t posted in a while partly because I been having trouble posting and remembering to try to post. Life during this time has been difficult for many and I am among that group. I gave up the chance to do the last course in my college program this spring because my mental health hasn’t been good enough to deal with the stress and distance learning has never worked well for me.

I hope you are finding ways to cope in this time period. There are articles suggesting that more people are turning to books over the last year. Apparently, they are learning what many of us have known for a long time. Books are an awesome way to avoid reality. We have been doing so for years for that reason.

So, if you have started reading recently to get away from the current reality, welcome. If you have known all along, I hope you have found some good stories to get you through.